| Actual Image
...Loneliness... (90)
chiaraluna
![Gold Star Critiquer/Gold Star Workshop Editor/Gold Note Writer [C: 435 W: 90 N: 567]](http://i1.treklens.com/misc/g-g-g.gif) (2560) | Now it is Loneliness who comes at night
Instead of Sleep, to sit beside my bed.
Like a tired child I lie and wait her tread,
I watch her softly blowing out the light.
Motionless sitting, neither left or right
She turns, and weary, weary droops her head.
She, too, is old; she, too, has fought the fight.
So, with the laurel she is garlanded.
Through the sad dark the slowly ebbing tide
Breaks on a barren shore, unsatisfied.
A strange wind flows... then silence. I am fain
To turn to Loneliness, to take her hand,
Cling to her, waiting, till the barren land
Fills with the dreadful monotone of rain.
~ Katherine Mansfield
...
it was very hard finding the right words or poem to add to this image.. as it's equally hard to fully understand or articulate what i'm feeling right now... so many intense things weighing me down.. so many anxieties and sorrows.. i try to think of the words but they can only seem to flow as an inarticulate stream of consciousness with many a contradiction thrown in... although, life being the confused and complicated creature it is.. i guess nothings really a contradiction... so forgive my blithering on or my incoherence... i just feel i have no one to talk right now and need to speak through my art...
i feel sad and confused and alone and broken.. i feel unworthy, unwanted, unneeded and unloved.. i feel afraid.. so afraid.. afraid that there will be no end to the pain both in my body and my soul.. afraid i will never feel a loving embrace or a passionate kiss again... afraid that no one could love me the way someone already did before he broke me.. and maybe even more afraid that someone will...
i feel cursed.. cursed to live in a body that's beaten by illness almost as much as my heart has been beaten by life.. cursed to never sleep one night without nightmares.. or never pass one day without daymares... and i feel tired.. so terribly tired of the endless fight... just longing for a precious moment without pain and heartache.. to feel i belong.. to feel i'm home.. to feel i can finally begin to live after so long merely breathing... barely breathing... and it seemed to me although so many poems or words could have been chosen to express so many feelings.. poems of love.. longing.. fear.. loss.. passion left to burn alone... loneliness seemed to play a major part in all of these sorrows.. and i think it is the affliction that damages us the most...
sorry for the sorrow here my friends.. it's been a really bad week....
oh.. and thank you to all who sent best wishes and asked about how things went in chicago.. unfortunately not very well in that when i arrived my blood sugar levels were dangerously low so they wouldn't go on and sent me home for a week... but thanks so much for your caring :**
warm hugs to all,
Ayda |
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